I am addicted to Diet Mountain Dew. This started in college when I started buying my own food. It always has to be diet because the regular kind tastes too syrupy for me. I have tried to quit a few times now and the longest I have gone is a month. I think the picture below adequately expresses the extent to which my love for this drink reaches.
I was going through the boxes so fast it became a chore to break each one down and take it downstairs to the recycling every couple days.
I always get an extra something I don't need from the convenience store so the cashiers don't think I go there 4 times a week just for Mt. Dew and judge me.
I also get paranoid when I go to a store like Target, don't find what I need, and have to leave without buying anything. I think the security guard by the exit is staring me down, trying to figure out what I have stolen and I try too hard to make myself look like I'm not a shoplifter which makes me look even more suspicious and then I remember I have a half-full bottle of Mt. Dew in my purse and if the guard searches me he will find it and think I took it, drank some of it in the store, and am now stealing it so I turn around and look for something in the bargain aisle to buy just so I don't go to jail.
Even when I don’t have fake-stolen goods in my purse, I will still hold my purse open in front of me as I pass by the security guard/Walmart-receipt-checker and smile and nod so that they can know confidently that I am simply a disappointed shopper who was not able to find the right kind of cat treats instead of an insidious thief.
I will drive halfway across town to a different convenience store so that the people at my normal one don’t know that I need to get in my car and drive to the store every other day just to buy Mt. Dew. I also don’t want to consolidate all of my Dew into one trip to save time and gas because I tried that once and I walked up to the counter with an armload of about 8 bottles of Mt. Dew and while the cashier said nothing I felt that I had to explain my situation by saying, “I’m going on a road trip.” I can’t go on a road trip every week so this excuse is a one-time deal.
I have to lie to BF about how much I buy and consume. I will take my empty bottles and drive them to a supermarket to throw them out because I am afraid that he will look in the trash can next to my computer and give me this huge look which says, “I AM JUDGING YOU”.
One night we were driving about 20 miles to a friend’s party and when we were almost there I realized that I hadn’t brought any extra Mt. Dew with me so I turned the car around and started looking for a gas station or convenience store. When BF asked what I was doing I said,
Me: “Uh... I need to find a store to pick up something.”
BF: Are you going to buy Mt. Dew?
Me: No! I just, uh, forgot to buy something earlier today.
After an extra 15 minutes of driving around until we found a 7-11, I ran in and got 3 bottles of Dew. Then I realized that I would be a liar if this was all I bought so I spent another 5 minutes looking through the aisles looking for something cheap that I also wanted to buy. I got a Snickers bar. When I walked back out to the car (BF waited in the car because he was tired and a bit angry at this point):
BF: You DID need to buy Mt. Dew!
Me: No! See? I needed something with sugar and calories. My blood sugar is feeling low.
BF: There’s going to be food at the party, which is a mile away.
Me: I don’t want to pass out while driving the car!
BF: You have a problem.
I do have a problem. My problem is that we live in a world where a woman cannot visit her local Walgreen’s every other day to purchase 3 bottles of Diet Mountain Dew without having the cashiers and her BF stare at her like she is a crazy electric-yellow-drink-meth-caffeine addict.
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