B-more Retarded

Living in the city has raised some important questions/observations to my mind.

Are trash cans a precious commodity? When I first moved in with BF we lost 2 garbage cans to thieves when we weren’t fast enough to bring them back to the house after the dump trucks came in the morning. After I had the [brilliant] plan to spray paint our house number on one, we have not had any more trash-can-burglars, but we just lost our recycling bin this week from the same culprits. Are kids using them for toys, to roll down hills in or something? Or are people really that cheap/lazy to buy their own?

Sidewalks must be made from the same floor-lava we avoided as kids, because no one uses them. The sidewalks in our neighborhood are in perfect condition, are shoveled cleanly when it snows, are wide enough for two people to walk abreast, and yet everyone here still walks in the middle of the street. I can understand the senile old lady who shuffles .0007 miles an hour down the middle of the road every day, because she’s crazy and chews on her sweater while she walks. But everyone else? Maybe there is something insidious and horrible about the sidewalks in our neighborhood that I don’t know about and am slowly getting cancer each time I walk on it.

Do you have a job? Are you well-clothed? Do you have ready cash available to buy small luxuries like soda and lottery tickets? Then you are the perfect candidate for begging for money and cigarettes on the street! Because you are not disabled, you are able to cover more ground in a day, and can make even MORE money than those dirty, wheelchair-bound homeless people!

Segways are to middle-aged men what skateboards are to young…skater…uh, kids.

You may only cross the street when passing cars have a green light, it is rush hour, said cars are travelling at 45mph and a yard away from you, and you are in the middle of the street rather than at a corner crosswalk.

Dog poop is festive decoration for the sidewalks!

I understand that America has the highest rate for obesity, and that trait often goes along with laziness or unwillingness to do extra physical effort. However, if you are driving to a friend’s house to pick them up, is it that hard to park on the empty street [not even parallel parking], get out of your car, and knock on the door? Hell, even just sitting in your car and calling said friend on your cell phone to let them know you are there. Why is this so hard? People around here just double park and honk their horns endlessly until their friend comes out. I timed one person, and they honked repeatedly for 3 straight minutes. That is 3 minutes of HOOOOONNNKKKKK—HONKHONKHONK-HOOOOONNNKKKKK.

No, I will not give you a cigarette. I paid for these with my own money, which I made while working at a thankless job. You look like you can afford a pack; you have the latest smartphone and new Nikes. If I was sitting on the porch and eating a sandwich, would you ask for half of it? Would you ask for one of my cans of soda? Cigarettes are not given to us by magical cancer fairies so that we may hand them out to every stranger on the street.

Here’s another drawing of a unicorn. I made it face the other way, which is why it looks a lot more horrible.